And sometimes the two emotions on opposite ends of the spectrum mix or find themselves asking which comes first and which comes next.
The sorrow has been bold, trying to dominate. I know there is a place for it, yet I've struggled to not let it take hold.
I fear letting this out there into the blogosphere (again, on some levels). But I know the more I keep it within myself, the more it builds up into something unhealthy.
I think I just don't want to be the only one to whom this matters. I don't want to be the only who remembers.
And remembering once isn't enough. We make such a big deal about birthdays. So what are those of us who have little ones in Heaven -- who don't have earthly birthdays -- to do? I just want to remember for a moment.
Last Tuesday, November 22nd, marked the 4th anniversary when Joe and I found out about peapod. It was Thanksgiving Day 2007, and I, from all my physical experiences, was pretty sure I was pregnant. I was so scared. I remember crying to Joe how scared I was. We had experienced a tubal pregnancy 7 months before (tatertot) that required a miscarriage. God was so good in healing me quickly. But I knew that even though God strengthened me in that time, I was not strong enough to go through a miscarriage again. So I told God He had to make this second one "take". Five weeks of ultrasounds later, we found out on December 26th of 2007 that peapod was an anembryonic pregnancy, and 2 weeks later, I finally miscarried. (A miracle among the miracles we experienced was strength only He could give.)
This past March, I found myself with similar physical experiences to peapod, and wondered if I was indeed pregnant. The day I took the test would have been the first day I could get a reliable positive. A few minutes after the test came back negative I started bleeding profusely. This was not just a normal period. (And I've had many abnormal too.) I knew in my gut and in my soul what was happening. The most profound and inconsolable grief took hold. I still cannot even explain how I felt. But my world spun out of control... or maybe it was me spinning out of control. But the world did not look the same for a very long time.
I asked God to confirm that this was indeed a miscarriage and not simply a haywire period. He did confirm it to me over and over. The overwhelming grief in my soul that I could not explain continued for weeks. I even told myself to just be over it already... I was just hoping to talk myself out of it and move on with the healing process. I learned a lot about God and my relationship with Him through it. And it was not pretty stuff. Nevertheless, I had to come to grips with false truths I had picked up, taught myself, and hammered into my heart over the years about God. God has been patient with me this year. Kind. Compassionate. Loving. And Truth.
This week I'll be receiving multiple announcements of my niece and friends who are expecting to give birth to their little ones (yes! all within the next 10 days or so). There is a baby boom going on right now. Yes, I rejoice happily and sincerely at the arrival of a wadful of kiddos entering the world for the first time. They are true miracles and God has a specific purpose for each child He places among us.
Not to take away from that, I would not be completely honest if I didn't admit that though many arms will be holding brand new babies this week, there is an ache in these empty ones today.
So on this 30th of November, the due date, I remember little rivet. Here for a moment, and gone in a breath. But forever in Eternity. Forever alongside peapod and tatertot in the arms of Jesus. Waiting to be reunited with their mom and dad.
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I continue to write about my experiences of Joe's and my Heavenly kiddos, knowing there are many women who have experienced similar stories. Though the code of silence is breaking in regards to "fertility issues" (I hate that term), many days of remembrance still pass silently with pangs of longing in our hearts for the ones we have not held. You are not alone. You are loved more than you know.
*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 11/30/11.
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