Better Days

I discovered this song from the Christmas disc we play at work. I have always loved the Goo Goo Dolls. This song is so haunting... so provoking.... this song always makes me stop and listen. "Tonight is the night that the world begins again." Happy December and Merry Christmas. :-)
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*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 12/1/11.

remembering rivet

This has been an odd week. A week of remembering with personal sorrow. It's also a week of coming joy.

And sometimes the two emotions on opposite ends of the spectrum mix or find themselves asking which comes first and which comes next. 

The sorrow has been bold, trying to dominate. I know there is a place for it, yet I've struggled to not let it take hold. 

I fear letting this out there into the blogosphere (again, on some levels). But I know the more I keep it within myself, the more it builds up into something unhealthy. 

I think I just don't want to be the only one to whom this matters. I don't want to be the only who remembers. 

And remembering once isn't enough. We make such a big deal about birthdays. So what are those of us who have little ones in Heaven -- who don't have earthly birthdays --  to do? I just want to remember for a moment. 

Last Tuesday, November 22nd, marked the 4th anniversary when Joe and I found out about peapod. It was Thanksgiving Day 2007, and I, from all my physical experiences, was pretty sure I was pregnant. I was so scared. I remember crying to Joe how scared I was. We had experienced a tubal pregnancy 7 months before (tatertot) that required a miscarriage. God was so good in healing me quickly. But I knew that even though God strengthened me in that time, I was not strong enough to go through a miscarriage again. So I told God He had to make this second one "take". Five weeks of ultrasounds later, we found out on December 26th of 2007 that peapod was an anembryonic pregnancy, and 2 weeks later, I finally miscarried. (A miracle among the miracles we experienced was strength only He could give.)

This past March, I found myself with similar physical experiences to peapod, and wondered if I was indeed pregnant. The day I took the test would have been the first day I could get a reliable positive. A few minutes after the test came back negative I started bleeding profusely.  This was not just a normal period. (And I've had many abnormal too.) I knew in my gut and in my soul what was happening. The most profound and inconsolable grief took hold. I still cannot even explain how I felt. But my world spun out of control... or maybe it was me spinning out of control. But the world did not look the same for a very long time. 

I asked God to confirm that this was indeed a miscarriage and not simply a haywire period. He did confirm it to me over and over. The overwhelming grief in my soul that I could not explain continued for weeks. I even told myself to just be over it already... I was just hoping to talk myself out of it and move on with the healing process. I learned a lot about God and my relationship with Him through it. And it was not pretty stuff. Nevertheless, I had to come to grips with false truths I had picked up, taught myself, and hammered into my heart over the years about God. God has been patient with me this year. Kind. Compassionate. Loving. And Truth.

This week I'll be receiving multiple announcements of my niece and friends who are expecting to give birth to their little ones (yes! all within the next 10 days or so). There is a baby boom going on right now. Yes, I rejoice happily and sincerely at the arrival of a wadful of kiddos entering the world for the first time. They are true miracles and God has a specific purpose for each child He places among us. 

Not to take away from that, I would not be completely honest if I didn't admit that though many arms will be holding brand new babies this week, there is an ache in these empty ones today.  

So on this 30th of November, the due date, I remember little rivet. Here for a moment, and gone in a breath. But forever in Eternity. Forever alongside peapod and tatertot in the arms of Jesus. Waiting to be reunited with their mom and dad.  

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I continue to write about my experiences of Joe's and my Heavenly kiddos, knowing there are many women who have experienced similar stories. Though the code of silence is breaking in regards to "fertility issues" (I hate that term), many days of remembrance still pass silently with pangs of longing in our hearts for the ones we have not held. You are not alone. You are loved more than you know. 

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*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 11/30/11.

it's been a while

it's been a while.... for many things. but for today, it's been awhile since i curled up in my favorite chair with the most important book and my favorite hot mug of yumminess and spent time with the One who matters most. it's been a while since i've enjoyed 5:30am like that.

what has "been a while" for you that draws you at this moment? _____________________________________
*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 11/7/11.

October -- Live Like I Mean It

I’m an idea girl. Those of you who know me well, know this is a momentary strength, but more often it becomes my downfall.  

.... so.... I had this idea..... 

I finally had the guts to share it with my husband, and he has taken on the task of keeping me accountable. (It is yet to be determined if this is a positive on either side.)

For the month of October, I’m going to live like I mean it. 

I became lazy in many ways this summer.  I acquire bad habits in a New York minute, but it seems to take 15 years to acquire a good one.  

By setting a finite period of time (31 days), I hope to “suck it up and deal” and just get things done. Do things the way they’re supposed to be done, as well as challenge myself to do things I mean to do but never get to. 

Now, my legalistic self is already screaming at me. Because many days (I foresee) will be more of a “check it off the list!” with little enjoyment -- though, at times a “going through the motions” approach gets the body and brain used to the activities. However, my heart is hoping that I will sow and reap the benefits of discipline and healthy habits. 

What does all of this involve?

Prioritizing life:

GOD

spending time with Him, studying the Word

surrendering to Him all facets of life -- and living it

JOE / MARRIAGE

serving Joe, caring for his needs

investing in our marriage

SELF

taking care of myself

challenging myself to stretch (not just physically)

OTHERS

reaching out and building relationships (current, and yet to be)

WORK

be present in my current job

investigate self-employment options

develop more concretely what I desire to do

The main thread in all of this is stewardship -- being a good steward of what I’ve been given, my responsibility while I have it, and being able to fully give back.

When I’m in a lull or a pity-party moment, I am hoping the challenge will kick-start me to “get it done”.  

If nothing else, I’ll be blogging about it along the way -- the celebrations and frustrations. By having the month logged, I’ll be able to look back and see the wins as well as what didn’t work. 

Is there an area of your life you would like to kick-start? Want to join me this month and “live like you mean it” in that area? 

Leave a comment below with your ideas and feedback.

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*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 10/2/11.

rendered.....speechless

Have you ever had so many words in your head, and so many words in your heart ... and have not been physically able to get them out?
It's an odd paradox, really. To be filled with so many words, feeling you will *burst* if you don't get the words out. And then, you open your mouth..... and nothing comes out.

This is where I have found myself for the last few months. So very much in my heart -- hurt, pain, anger, brokenness, loneliness... God scraping through scar tissue. Whispering, "We need to deal with this now..." This being several different things as the weeks have progressed -- old issues I thought were taken care of; issues that I knew weren't, but wasn't ready to bring to the surface; and of course, new understandings that I would have to work through. Until, finally, He made it clear -- "Just Me."
Any words I have are for just Him. As much as I have tried to sum up my heart and head to a few dear people in my life, I just couldn't. Even in the mirror (yes, I'm one of those crazy talking-in-the-mirror people to sort things out), I would open my mouth, look at the reflection in the mirror, and stand mouth agape -- in silence.
"Why can't I get any words out, God? ..... Oh. Not until I take them to You first."
"But I'd rather talk about You, than talk to and with You. I'm still mad at You."
"And really, I'm so scared to hear from You. I'm afraid I won't like what I hear. That the truth will be too tough. That I'll have to own up to a LOT. I'm afraid it will be too much responsibility. People won't understand."

And I finally dared to ask the question, "Who are You, God? Who are You REALLY??"

I have been close to God at other times in my life -- I could pick them out easily. I'm not questioning my salvation. But I realized that some deep-seated and core ideas about God are what I have picked up from others or placed on God myself. I do have a lot of sound Biblical ideas of God mixed in there as well. But similar to a garden, a garden is most beautiful when the plants were put there on purpose and designed by the gardener. Weeds, rocks, old mulch, etc., need to be taken out so that the true contents can be nurtured and grow and thrive.

God has been sifting my heart, bringing to light the lies, half-truths, and 3/4 truths.
Placing God's Word back in is the priority. Learning on a deeper level to truly talk with Him, bringing Him the frustrations and questions. Asking Him to guide me.  Pleading for Him to create in me a clean heart and to renew a right spirit  within me (Ps. 51:10)
Praising Him for WHO HE REALLY IS.
God cannot lie. He's incapable of it. Each Word that comes from His mouth is Truth. And He is Faithful. To not be faithful, He wouldn't be God. Bringing Him my unfaithfulness and allowing Him to heal me and scoop that away has been hard to wrap my brain around. Day by day... by day by day....

O Father, I confess that I cannot fathom Your mysteries. I cannot probe Your limits, Almighty One. They are higher than the heavens. They are deeper than the depths of the grave. Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.  (Job 11:7-9)

My God, I acknowledge Your thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are Your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are Your ways higher than my ways and Your thoughts than my thoughts.  (Isa. 55:8-9)

My Lord, where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.  (Ps. 139:7-10)

My Lord, Your Word is right and true; You are faithful in all You do. You love righteousness and justice. I thank You that the earth is full of Your unfailing love! (Ps. 33:4-5, emphasis mine)





Prayers taken from Praying God's Word, Beth Moore, B&H Publishing... and of course the Bible :-)
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*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 6/6/11.

just a couple of thoughts....

hey all.... i so wish i had a bunch of time to write out all the thoughts in my brain. i also realized it has been a chunk of time since i last posted anything, and wanted to "check in".

i just glanced at the list of all the things i hope to accomplish this year (see 2 posts ago), and at first I was overwhelmed. yes, all the things are good and great and fine and dandy. but something has been poking at my li'l brain in the last few days and i wonder what direction this might go. hang with me (and comments are welcome).... the list is a great source of accountability as i keep focused on things that i always seem to be straying from. already i have had a couple of friends say, "hey, how is such and such going?" or "i saw a couple of your goals, and your recent commitment is honoring that!" that is a great encouragement to me.

but i will be very frank... that list is MY list. many things are spiritual and well-intentioned, but i will be honest -- i didn't ask God if these things were on His list. i can say that a few of them definitely are.... but my point is i didn't ask. which brings me to this:
each new year i have a list or a theme that i try to adopt that takes me on a path for a few months (i mean for it to be a year, but honestly, i'm lucky if it squeaks past february or march). recently on a couple of blogs i ran across a thing that has dared me to give up the list and adopt one word.

it's called One Word 2011 . it originated from a blog www.gritandglory.com when Alece started it last year.
choose one word and live that through this year. be open to what God has for you in that one word.
the last few days i've been chewing on this idea... what words speak to me right now? is this something i want to do? and you get the idea... one word keeps coming back to me. and now it almost taunts me and is just daring me to commit to it.

PRAY


i can go into my list of excuses at this moment, but i will not. i admit it. i do not pray as much or for the things i really need to pray for. i'm sure we can all agree to this. yes, i do pray for the big things in life, and i offer up little prayers at the beginning of the day and at dinner. but this just became very personal.
i was recently struck by some of the things that take up real estate in my brain, trying to sort out the solutions, and realized i am not praying through them. i am not asking and expecting God to work mightily through them. i am not allowing God to be God and do the (seemingly) impossible.

i just started a book today by Steven Furtick called Sun Stand Still. i was a little cynical starting the book and had a couple of reservations -- can God really work mightily in my life and through my life as He did with Joshua when He literally made the sun stand still while the battle raged on? God promised Joshua that he would be successful in conquering the Amorites (see Joshua 10) and He stopped the sun mid-day and fulfilled His promise.
as i'm reading the book there are 3 situations at the forefront of my mind (one is a vision/dream i believe God planted, one is a temptation i seek freedom from, and one is a relationship i desire to be changed). i realize that all three of them demand a miracle. i constantly am trying to figure out how sara can conquer these and what the strategy should be, when it's really only GOD that can do it. and i don't think He wants me to sit idly by just waiting for Him to work. i now realize that He wants me actively involved by asking for Him to intervene and believe that He can and will do it (this is part of the audacious faith that Steven talks about it in his book). and it's not just the big things. it's the little things. the Bible talks about praying ceaselessly. this is to pray about everything. even the mundane and boring and monotonous things. so it's everything on the spectrum. and i was silenced by the lack of conversation i have with my Creator about all of it. Again, not trying to get in the overwhelming category by all that i'm not praying for, but just taken aback by the desire God has of me to share with Him all that is in my mind and heart, and to release it to Him and expectantly watch as He works in all of it.

as Christ-followers, our life is not to be mundane and ordinary. Because Jesus was anything but mundane and ordinary. _____________________________________________________________
*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 1/20/11

Breakfast of Champions!

well, as the first Monday of 2011 comes, it was easy to make this decision for a good breakfast after walking 2 miles. why is it so easy on that "first real day" to do the right thing, and it's so not easy in about 10-14 days? so i'm posting this more for my encouragement, that it can be done, i can do it, and i hope to continue making good decisions this month. it did help also that on stepping on the scale today i saw a number that i haven't seen in quite a while (a good thing!). with the stresses of 2010, i "maxed out" TWICE at my top weight. so with this number peering at me from the scale in the wee hours of the morning i can celebrate that i have lost 10-13 pounds in the last couple of months. i wasn't trying, it just kind of happened. though it definitely provides the boost of momentum to "keep running the race" so to speak.
during my cool down lap of my walk, one of my favorite worship songs was playing on my phone -- "Jesus Paid it All" by Kristian Stanfill. to be honest, i don't focus much on the crucifixion of Christ. in that moment, though, i really did. and as the chorus broke out ("oh praise the One who paid my debt / and raised this life up from the dead") i looked to the bright blue, clear sky, catching the sun breaking through the trees and just was in awe... thank GOD for CHRIST. the one who bore ALL the sins of this world and is now victorious reigning over all, waiting patiently to come again so that all who confess Him with their LIVES may know Him for eternity and dwell with Him.
Heavenly Father, i pray that You consume my life -- that each day starts with You, is surrendered to You, and everything else trickles down from You and time spent with You. Help me to resist the urge to merely "fit you into my day". Thank you for this day of life and help me to live You out as You would have me to. In Jesus' Name, Amen. ____________________________________________
*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 1/3/11.

new year's in my head

if you happened to catch my above average Facebook activity, you may have caught that New Year’s is a phenomenon that takes over my brain waves. 

all of a sudden my mind jumps to all the things i hope to accomplish, ways i hope to change, activities i want to dare to try, and in general, how i want to improve or how life can be different. new year’s, for me, has the effect like the slates i used to have when i was a kid. the one with the red plastic pencil and the little plastic page that you pull up to erase whatever was previously written. january 1st has that effect of a loud and dramatic pull up on the page, extinguishing the disappointments or failures that have been lingering in my soul. 

i wish to borrow a genius comment from Anne of Green Gables by Miss Stacy to Anne: “tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it.” i think of this each new year as i look ahead wondering what awaits this silly girl. the whole experience liberates my imagination as i ponder “what will be?”. 

i start this mental list of all these wonderful ideas i hope to realize. (why is it that my best ideas come when i can’t write them down??)

as the list takes shape in my head, i am reminded at how legalistic i can become. i love lists. i love to cross things off lists. and though many of my ideas have a good intention, i find myself consumed with wanting to cross that item off the list, not because a good thing has necessarily manifested itself in my life, but because I CAN CROSS IT OFF THE LIST. 

so then i must take a step back. is it just about the list? or is it because i truly am willing to invest the time and energy to change or incorporate new habits, or what have you.... 

well, the reality is my life is an atlas of many roads paved with good intentions. let’s be honest. it’s january 2nd. i have no clue what will happen this year. but in the spirit of New Year’s, i am posting a list of what has been circling around this noggin. this may serve as comic relief in 6 months when i look back on this. it may be a source of accountability. or it may become a prayer list for some of the items. 

blogs can be interactive, and i do pray that this becomes so as i share my life. i would love to hear comments, encouragements, et cetera. and without further ado...

sara’s 2011 list

God-centered stuff

seek God more fervently and consistently

read the entire New Testament (i have started a NT in 30 days plan)

have a consistent quiet time with the Lord

read the Bible consistently

set aside sabbath times through the year

be open to what God has to teach me and bring into life

pray for God to reveal His will for our family

relationships

become a better student of my husband

set aside special time for my marriage (including date nights and fun activities)

communicate more and better with my husband

invest in the gals in my life -- be intentional about making time with them

communicate with friends out of town

become less selfish, and more selfless (sounds redundant, but i need to focus on this!)

faith family stuff

host a small group

find an area to serve 

house stuff

do weekly plan sheets to efficiently plan each week’s goings-on

have a consistent schedule re: housework

plan meals for each pay period or month, tying in coupons

balance checkbook each week and pay bills each payday

finish settling the house

frame photos and hang

physical

exercise regimen -- consistency is the key!

train for walking a 10K

walk a 10K (or two??)

lose 20 pounds

doggies

work on training dogs

introduce them to other dogs in the neighborhood

get them on a consistent walking schedule

introduce them to the beach!

get them to the vet for checkups

regular grooming/baths

creative stuff

journal

keep up the blog

start a book review blog?

find creative writing opportunities

read 1-2 books a month (preferably more, but let’s start small!)

photo outings

work on photography

as i wrap this up for the night, i know there are about 50 more things i wanted to include in the list, but of course they elude me now... 

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*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 1/2/11