rendered.....speechless

Have you ever had so many words in your head, and so many words in your heart ... and have not been physically able to get them out?
It's an odd paradox, really. To be filled with so many words, feeling you will *burst* if you don't get the words out. And then, you open your mouth..... and nothing comes out.

This is where I have found myself for the last few months. So very much in my heart -- hurt, pain, anger, brokenness, loneliness... God scraping through scar tissue. Whispering, "We need to deal with this now..." This being several different things as the weeks have progressed -- old issues I thought were taken care of; issues that I knew weren't, but wasn't ready to bring to the surface; and of course, new understandings that I would have to work through. Until, finally, He made it clear -- "Just Me."
Any words I have are for just Him. As much as I have tried to sum up my heart and head to a few dear people in my life, I just couldn't. Even in the mirror (yes, I'm one of those crazy talking-in-the-mirror people to sort things out), I would open my mouth, look at the reflection in the mirror, and stand mouth agape -- in silence.
"Why can't I get any words out, God? ..... Oh. Not until I take them to You first."
"But I'd rather talk about You, than talk to and with You. I'm still mad at You."
"And really, I'm so scared to hear from You. I'm afraid I won't like what I hear. That the truth will be too tough. That I'll have to own up to a LOT. I'm afraid it will be too much responsibility. People won't understand."

And I finally dared to ask the question, "Who are You, God? Who are You REALLY??"

I have been close to God at other times in my life -- I could pick them out easily. I'm not questioning my salvation. But I realized that some deep-seated and core ideas about God are what I have picked up from others or placed on God myself. I do have a lot of sound Biblical ideas of God mixed in there as well. But similar to a garden, a garden is most beautiful when the plants were put there on purpose and designed by the gardener. Weeds, rocks, old mulch, etc., need to be taken out so that the true contents can be nurtured and grow and thrive.

God has been sifting my heart, bringing to light the lies, half-truths, and 3/4 truths.
Placing God's Word back in is the priority. Learning on a deeper level to truly talk with Him, bringing Him the frustrations and questions. Asking Him to guide me.  Pleading for Him to create in me a clean heart and to renew a right spirit  within me (Ps. 51:10)
Praising Him for WHO HE REALLY IS.
God cannot lie. He's incapable of it. Each Word that comes from His mouth is Truth. And He is Faithful. To not be faithful, He wouldn't be God. Bringing Him my unfaithfulness and allowing Him to heal me and scoop that away has been hard to wrap my brain around. Day by day... by day by day....

O Father, I confess that I cannot fathom Your mysteries. I cannot probe Your limits, Almighty One. They are higher than the heavens. They are deeper than the depths of the grave. Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.  (Job 11:7-9)

My God, I acknowledge Your thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are Your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are Your ways higher than my ways and Your thoughts than my thoughts.  (Isa. 55:8-9)

My Lord, where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.  (Ps. 139:7-10)

My Lord, Your Word is right and true; You are faithful in all You do. You love righteousness and justice. I thank You that the earth is full of Your unfailing love! (Ps. 33:4-5, emphasis mine)





Prayers taken from Praying God's Word, Beth Moore, B&H Publishing... and of course the Bible :-)
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*this post was originally posted on my blog "stepping through the journey of life" on 6/6/11.