i've been unfaithful

This morning as I was driving into work, I was struck by the landscape in front of me. The mountaintops were shrouded in a line of very dark clouds, and through pockets in the clouds, the sun just blazed through with brilliance and contrast.

The mountains are changing color dramatically right now, as we are officially in peak season with the changing leaves. What have been dark green mountains up until now, the panorama has smudges of orange, yellow, and red. The dark clouds crossing the tops of the mountains cast this ominous shadow, making one think rain was about to pour out. And then the sun. Filling any gap in the clouds, glittering its rays through the darkness to light up the coloring mountain scene.

It's not hard to think of God in such a sight. How He breaks through our darkness and shines light in our lives when we need it....
As I was talking to God, playing through the last few days, and the last few weeks of my life, I was finally in a place where I could ask for forgiveness. I have been unfaithful.

The last few weeks have been really wonderful, interestingly enough. God gave me a miracle by clearing out an old grudge, ushering in a fresh perspective of my past. I've been able to rekindle friendships from my childhood. I have a couple new friendships budding, and I'm excited to see how they grow. I've been pausing each day to appreciate what's around me, intentionally celebrating what gives me joy in the small moments.

And in the joy, I've been unfaithful. I have placed these joy-producing things / people / moments in front of God. I have been specifically and fully aware that I've pushed God aside in many moments, pursuing my own wants and desires, even allowing a thought war to flow freely. Yesterday, there was a weird crumbling feeling in me, and I couldn't pinpoint what was going on. A restlessness in my bones took over and I couldn't shake it.

The mountain view this morning brought clarity. God is ever FAITHFUL. He lets me have my moments of doing my own thing... but He won't let me stay there. Grace abounds. He loves me above my mess. He holds me accountable, but is merciful. He forgives when that's the last thing I deserve. And through it, His brilliance, His glory, His light shines through my darkness and illuminates the beautiful landscape of my life.

Psalm 36:5-6 
⁵ Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.⁶ Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep.

Psalm 89:8 

⁸ O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you.

Psalm 91:4
 ⁴ He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Lamentations 3:22-24 
²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.²³ They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.²⁴ I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

1 Corinthians 10:13
¹³No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

1 John 1:9 
⁹If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.